Misanthropee My Pants

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll probably start to wonder what the deal is with you and fish.

If you’re a fan like me, it probably won’t be as good as the original, but it’s worth checking out just to see if any of the questions from the first one will finally be answered.

I was doing some soul searching and somewhere between about a million wadded up waxen sheaths of mini peanut butter cups, the remote for a VCR I haven’t owned in years, and many heaping handfuls of spiritual inertia, I ran across the correct email/password combination for this account.

Next year, Rainn Wilson will leave “The Office” to star in an NBC spin-off as his character, Dwight Schrute, who returns to his family beet farm to run a bed & breakfast. Here are just a few of the titles being considered for the show:

Rainn Rainn Go Away
Low Hanging Schrute
Beet & Breakfast
The Dwight Stuff 
Schrute to Kill
Just Beet It
The Dwight Shadow
Taming of the Schrute
Beeter Off Dead
Dwight Power
Flo
Joey
Fish
Enos
Dwightney

Are you really a Rush fan?

Do you:

• Have two cats named By-Tor and The Snowdog?
• Convince people that “The Trees” is actually a 15th century Arbor Day song in the hopes that they’ll overlook its Randian message?
• Perform air drums, air guitar, air bass, air synth, and full vocal when Tom Sawyer comes on the radio at Trader Joe’s?
• Have the ‘man in the star’ emblazoned on your desktop, car doors, and the wall in your mom’s basement?
• Dress up as a Priest of the Temples of Syrinx every Halloween and some Christmases?
• Have a series of tattoos on your back depicting the evolution of Neil Peart’s drum configuration?
• Book all flights to connect through Toronto just for the luggage tags?
• Have a room in your house devoted to a gallery of sketches of Alex Lifeson eating butter in the nude?
• Teach a summer school class with one week devoted to the hidden symbols in the artwork for “Signals”?
• Have four daughters, all named Geddy Lee?

If you answered yes to any of these, congratulations! You must be very proud. Everyone else probably thinks you’re awesome. Nice ponytail, by the way.

“Poe” is the poor man’s portmanteau of “Portman’s toe”.

Like many Americans, I worship the Chinese Santa Claus, who is called 圣诞老人 [Dun Che Lao Ren], or Christmas Old Man. This year, my wish list is so extensive, I’m worried that I’ll have to sacrifice A LOT of elves to Christmas Old Man to get everything I want. Luckily, I live near an elf farmer who will happily give me elves in exchange for my homemade cheese. Unfortunately, the amount of cheese I’ll be able to make before Christmas will only get me around seventeen elves and I estimate that I’ll need at least twenty three to satisfy Christmas Old Man enough to get everything on my list. So, I’m going to have to pare it down:

Heat Seeking Corn Monitor
Tibetan pudding blaster
3D sofa (with copper insulation)
The definition of time
Fred Grandy’s Christmas Ululations album (Mono Mix)
Pneumatic dolphin heater
24k gold motorized beach ball
SPIDERS!!!
Concrete ankle sharpener
Taste (although I will settle for Class)
32GB wolf aerosol
Low-resonance pumpkin fuse pocket (Karate enabled)
Corey Haim commemorative plate display
Organic plexiglass cat pants

I could probably do without the Corey Haim commemorative plate display, considering that it might detract from my Don Knotts spoon collection. And I guess I won’t really need the SPIDERS!!! since I’m trading all my cheese away. And I suppose I can make do with the old hand crank dolphin heater for another year.

If Christmas Old Man doesn’t bring me the rest of this stuff, I’m never making cheese again!

Oh, who am I kidding. I’ll always make cheese.

圣诞快乐，大家!

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