Misanthropee My Pants

Are you really a Rush fan?

Do you:

• Have two cats named By-Tor and The Snowdog?
• Convince people that “The Trees” is actually a 15th century Arbor Day song in the hopes that they’ll overlook its Randian message?
• Perform air drums, air guitar, air bass, air synth, and full vocal when Tom Sawyer comes on the radio at Trader Joe’s?
• Have the ‘man in the star’ emblazoned on your desktop, car doors, and the wall in your mom’s basement?
• Dress up as a Priest of the Temples of Syrinx every Halloween and some Christmases?
• Have a series of tattoos on your back depicting the evolution of Neil Peart’s drum configuration?
• Book all flights to connect through Toronto just for the luggage tags?
• Have a room in your house devoted to a gallery of sketches of Alex Lifeson eating butter in the nude?
• Teach a summer school class with one week devoted to the hidden symbols in the artwork for “Signals”?
• Have four daughters, all named Geddy Lee?

If you answered yes to any of these, congratulations! You must be very proud. Everyone else probably thinks you’re awesome. Nice ponytail, by the way.

“Poe” is the poor man’s portmanteau of “Portman’s toe”.

Like many Americans, I worship the Chinese Santa Claus, who is called 圣诞老人 [Dun Che Lao Ren], or Christmas Old Man. This year, my wish list is so extensive, I’m worried that I’ll have to sacrifice A LOT of elves to Christmas Old Man to get everything I want. Luckily, I live near an elf farmer who will happily give me elves in exchange for my homemade cheese. Unfortunately, the amount of cheese I’ll be able to make before Christmas will only get me around seventeen elves and I estimate that I’ll need at least twenty three to satisfy Christmas Old Man enough to get everything on my list. So, I’m going to have to pare it down:

Heat Seeking Corn Monitor
Tibetan pudding blaster
3D sofa (with copper insulation)
The definition of time
Fred Grandy’s Christmas Ululations album (Mono Mix)
Pneumatic dolphin heater
24k gold motorized beach ball
SPIDERS!!!
Concrete ankle sharpener
Taste (although I will settle for Class)
32GB wolf aerosol
Low-resonance pumpkin fuse pocket (Karate enabled)
Corey Haim commemorative plate display
Organic plexiglass cat pants

I could probably do without the Corey Haim commemorative plate display, considering that it might detract from my Don Knotts spoon collection. And I guess I won’t really need the SPIDERS!!! since I’m trading all my cheese away. And I suppose I can make do with the old hand crank dolphin heater for another year.

If Christmas Old Man doesn’t bring me the rest of this stuff, I’m never making cheese again!

Oh, who am I kidding. I’ll always make cheese.

圣诞快乐，大家!

I grew up on a farm. No, not that kind of farm; I mean the one with the crops and the livestock and the smell. My father prided himself on our award winning kumquats, and rode his trusty walrus, Jeff, to nearby towns where he would sell kumquat burgers and kumquat soup. Dad wouldn’t let us anywhere near Jeff, and my brothers and I took after him by each growing possessive of other animals on the farm. Some would say we took animal husbandry too far, too literal, or too sexy, but they were just jealous.

My older brother took up with a tarantula he named Isabella after Isabella Rossellini because Blue Velvet was his favorite film. He’d reenact scenes from the film with her, often in the nude, as a sort of dinner theater whenever guests came over. My younger brother pledged himself to a gopher named Becky, who he insisted was secretly a unicorn, although we could tell she probably wasn’t really. Becky wasn’t allowed in the house because she was racist.

Me, I was the lucky one. I was with Maxine, one of the penguins that lived behind the barn. One of the best things about Maxine, besides being able to recite the lyrics of any ’80s sitcom theme song, was that she had a fabulous rack. After a while, Maxine got pregnant, and once she began lactating, I’d milk her for hours each day. It was an unbelievable amount of milk for a penguin, so my mom started cooking with it.

First, of course, was kumquat milk, and then penguin yogurt, and eventually, my mom found it perfect for baking. It didn’t take long before our “Bird Milk” tarts became the talk of the town, what with their partially hydrogenated palm oil, chocolate coathing, and the world’s best agar. Although it was listed right there on the package, we liked to think that the secret ingredient was flavor.

The Making of Star Wars: The Lost Transcripts (#5)

George: Alec! Buddy! We need you on set for the next scene.

Alec: Sorry, Geeves, I’ve been busy reading the script.

George: (sigh) My name is George, Alec. George Lucas.

Alec: Luke is what?

George: …

Alec: Anyway, I hate to tell you this, but this movie is destined to fail.

George: And what makes you say that?

Alec: I just read the script!

George: You’d never read it before?! Why’d you agree to do it?!

Alec: Well, Debbie Reynolds asked me to keep an eye on her daughter. Cassie, is it?

George: Carrie.

Alec: Apparently there were some goings on on the set of “Shampoo”. So, I’m here to protect her from that lothario!

George: You mean Mark?

Alec: That’s the boy, right?

George: If you insist on calling him that, sure, but I don’t think you need to worry about him.

Alec: Who?

George: Nevermind. Look, we need to get this next scene shot before it gets too hot.

Alec: Can I wear the robot costume?

George: Ummmm… no.

Alec: Just for one scene. Please?

George: I’ll tell you what. How about after this next scene is done, you can have some ice cream?

Alec: A true delight! How did you know I like ice cream?

George: You demanded it in your contract.

Alec: Ah, yes. I’m rather brilliant sometimes.

George: Sure you are. Now, can we ge-

Alec: She smells a bit, doesn’t she?

George: (sigh) Who are you talking about now?

Alec: The Reynolds girl. Candy, is it?

George: Carrie. Carrie Fisher.

Alec: Well, not so much fish as… I want to say sausage. Does she smell like sausage to you?

George: No. Please, Alec. We need to shoot the sandcrawler scene while it’s still morning.

Alec: And then I get ice cream?

George: Yes! Then you get ice cream!

Alec: And I get to eat it in a robot costume, right?

George: (sigh) Sure, Alec. You get to eat it in a robot costume.

Alec: Splendid! You’ll have to keep an eye on the fish girl then. Carpy, is it?

George: It’s *Carrie*. Can we do this now?

Alec: Do what?

George: LET’S SHOOT THIS SCENE!

Alec: Oh, yes. Let’s. I tell you, Giles, this scene with me eating ice cream in a robot costume may just save this travesty of a film.

“Oooh! What’s that?”

Some kind of fungus. Let me look it up in the field guide.

“I kind of want to put it in my mouth.”

No. Don’t eat it. It could be poisonous.

“I’m not going to eat it. I just want to… I don’t know, cup it my hands and maybe just kiss it or something. It looks like it could use some cheering up.”

Well, don’t put your mouth on it. You don’t want to ingest any secretions.

“Don’t worry. If anything gets in my mouth, I won’t swallow. I’ll just spit it out.”

INTERIOR: KENOBI’S DWELLING

LUKE: You fought in the Clone Wars?

OBI-WAN: Yes, I was once a Yeti Knight the same as your father.

George: Cut! It’s “Jedi,” Alec, not “Yeti.”

Alec: I’m pretty sure it’s pronounced “Yeti.”

George: Trust me. It’s “Jedi.” I know. I came up with it.

Alec: Well, you can’t just make things up! This is historical heresy!

George: This movie is fictional, Alec. We’ve been over this. It’s a fantasy movie and the Jedi are the protagonists.

Alec: Are you sure?

George: Yes. I’m sure. Now, are you ready?

Alec: Okay.

George: All quiet on the set! Action!

LUKE: You fought in the Clone Wars?

OBI-WAN: Yes, I was once a Gemini the same as your father.

George: Cut! Again, Alec, it’s “Jedi Knight.”

Alec: What did I say?

George: You said “Gemini.”

Alec: No, that doesn’t sound like something I’d say.

Mark: Can I take five?

George: Yeah, go ahead. Alec, I think— Alec? Alec!

Alec: That boy is a spy, you know.

George: For the last time, Mark is not a spy!

Alec: I’m pretty sure he watches me sleep through the window of my trailer.

George: Alec! That was me! I was trying to wake you up for this shoot!

Alec: Watch. He’s going over to that table to steal food. I see him do it all the time. See?! He just did it again!

George: Listen, Alec. We’re trying to make a movie here. A movie? So, can you just repeat after me: Jedi Knight. Can you say that?

Alec: Got it.

George: No, I need to hear you say it.

Alec: Jedi Knight.

George: Perfect! Can we get this shot now?

Alec: Okay. But don’t tell the boy I’m on to him.

George: Don’t worry about that. Mark! We’re ready!

Mark: Great. You all set, Alec?

Alec: Wouldn’t you like to know…

Mark: Wha-?

George: Quiet on the set! Action!

LUKE: You fought in the Clone Wars?

OBI-WAN: Yes, I was once Judith Light the same as your father.

Mark: What the fu-

George: Keep rolling! We’ll just dub it in later!

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